In 1922, Emily Post published Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics, and at Home—a book that became the definitive guide to American manners. For decades, her name was synonymous with knowing which fork to use, how to address a formal invitation, and the proper way to offer condolences after a death.

But here’s what most people miss about Emily Post: She wasn’t interested in rules for their own sake. She was interested in kindness—in creating frameworks that help people navigate difficult social moments with grace, so that no one feels embarrassed, dismissed, or alone.

“Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others,” Post wrote. “If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use.” The same applies to offering condolences; express how you truly feel, and it doesn’t matter how you deliver your message, whether it’s by mail, in person, or via text.

What Is Etiquette, Anyway?

The term “etiquette” can sometimes get a bad rap—something that only the upper crust does, like how to hold a teacup properly. “(The name) ‘Emily Post’ still conjures up images of persnickety debutantes in twinsets and pearls,” writes Laura Miller in Slate. But that reputation misses the point entirely.

In its simplest form, etiquette embodies three qualities: consideration, respect, and honesty.

Emily Post’s great-great-grandchildren—cousins Lizzie Post and Daniel Post Senning—now head the Emily Post Institute, where they’ve worked to adapt their great-great-grandmother’s principles to our changing world, releasing a  centential version of Emily’s original book and creating similar books, podcasts, and online training that cover everything from business to weddings.

“Etiquette fills the gap for us when we are at a loss, when our familiar day-to-day ways offer no help,” writes Ted Gioia in his essay “What I Learned from Emily Post.” “The ‘rules of the game’ are like the steps of a ritual.”

And sometimes, especially in our most vulnerable moments, we need them. For generations, expressing sympathy followed a familiar script. You sent a handwritten note on cream-colored stationery. You called, even when you didn’t know what to say. You showed up at the door with a casserole. These gestures carried weight because they required effort—and that effort communicated care.

In a World of Changes, Etiquette Remains the Same

Since the first book on etiquette, not only has the world changed, but so have we. Slowly, over the decades, and then at an increasingly fast pace. Technology has advanced so quickly that it can be difficult for some of us to get our minds around what it can do and how it replaces conventional communication. Or, especially for those of us who didn’t grow up with it, why would we even want it to?

I recall my college journalism professor telling us that someday, we wouldn’t be reading newspapers or publications in print; instead, it would be on the computer. That was hard to believe then, before the internet even existed. Not to mention mobile phones. Leap forward a few decades, and AI is both trending and controversial. You don’t have to know what to say or even how to write—type a question into a box, and AI will generate a response for you—no thought required.

To be sure, AI has remarkable implications for good. What AI can’t autogenerate, however, is the authentic emotion behind what we write, especially when we express our support to a friend or family member. And this is where old-fashioned values come into play, even as society is rebelling against them.

Consideration. Respect. Honesty. Those principles haven’t changed, and they translate to any medium. Show up for people in meaningful ways, no matter how you do it.

Why Etiquette Still Matters in a Text

Today, texting isn’t a lesser form of communication—it’s often the primary form. And when someone is grieving, the rules of engagement matter more, not less. You might think that texting, by its nature, is casual—exempt from the considerations that govern more formal communication. But the opposite is true. When we’re dealing with something as profound as death and grief, how we communicate becomes even more important.

Etiquette exists to solve a specific problem: the awkwardness and uncertainty that arise in charged social situations. It gives us a framework so we don’t have to invent one from scratch when we’re already feeling uncomfortable. When your thumbs hover over the keyboard, unsure what to say to a grieving friend, that’s exactly the moment etiquette is designed for.

The question isn’t whether to reach out—it’s how to do it in a way that honors both the gravity of the loss and the nature of your relationship.

Offering Words of Comfort Over Text

According to the Emily Post Institute, the core rule for condolences is simple: “Say what you truly feel.” Whether you’re writing a handwritten note or sending a text, the same principles apply—just translated to a new medium.

1. Acknowledge the loss directly. Traditional etiquette required naming the deceased and acknowledging what happened. The same applies to text. Don’t dance around it.

“I was so sorry to hear about your mother” is better than “I heard what happened—thinking of you.”

2. Keep it brief but sincere. A condolence note was never meant to be a novel. The same restraint applies to text. Say what you mean, mean what you say, and resist the urge to over-explain.

3. Don’t demand a response. One of the most considerate things you can do is release the recipient from the obligation to reply. In traditional etiquette, a condolence note didn’t require a response. Your text shouldn’t either.

“No need to reply—just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you.”

4. Use the person’s name. Emily Post emphasized the importance of using names—it personalizes the interaction and honors the deceased. In text, this small gesture carries the same weight.

“I’m holding you and James’s memory close.”

5. Avoid clichés that minimize grief. Traditional etiquette cautioned against hollow phrases that prioritize the comfort of the speaker over the needs of the bereaved. “Everything happens for a reason” or “They’re in a better place” may feel like the right thing to say, but they often land as dismissive. Say less, and mean it more.

Why Texting Can Be the Right Choice…

Research supports what etiquette has always understood: showing up matters more than how you show up.

Tchiki Davis, Ph.D., who studies well-being and technology, notes that “people who text and reach out to others experience less pain” and that digital communication “can be used to provide real comfort during difficult times.”

A text also has practical advantages that align with etiquette’s goal of easing the burden on others:

• It doesn’t demand an immediate response. Unlike a phone call, a text lets the grieving person absorb your words on their own timeline.
• It creates a lasting record of care. They can return to your message days or weeks later, when the initial wave of support has faded.
• It meets people where they are. For many, texting is the most natural form of communication. Meeting them in that space is itself an act of consideration.

…But Remember Your Manners

While texting offers many advantages, it’s important to use sensitivity and judgment when deciding whether it’s appropriate in each situation. Some people may still prefer handwritten letters or other forms of communication. The key is to consider the grieving person’s preferences, the nature of your relationship, and the context of their grief.

The Follow-Up: Grief Doesn’t End When the Service Does

Traditional etiquette focused heavily on the initial expression of sympathy—the note, the flowers, the attendance at the funeral. But grief doesn’t end when the service does. In many ways, it deepens in the weeks and months that follow, once everyone else’s life has returned to normal.

This is where texting offers something more: an easy, ongoing connection.

Mark your calendar:

• One week after the funeral — A simple “thinking of you” text
• One month later — Acknowledge that time has passed, but you haven’t forgotten
• Significant dates — Their loved one’s birthday, anniversary, or holidays
  
  

These follow-up messages often mean more than the initial condolence. They say: I still remember. You’re not alone in carrying this.

The Method Has Changed, but Manners Haven’t

Emily Post understood something that gets lost in debates about forks and stationery: Etiquette isn’t about performing correctness. It’s about making other people feel seen, respected, and valued—especially in moments when they’re most vulnerable.

A text message, sent with intention and care, can do exactly that.

Carrie Campbell, Blog Contributor
Indiana Memorial Group

If you’re supporting someone through grief and want to learn more, the Emily Post Institute offers updated guidance on condolences in the digital age. Take a look at our Grief Resources page for additional contacts, whether you’re supporting a loved one or the one who’s grieving.