When it comes to celebrating and commemorating your parent’s life, how do you pull all of the pieces together and say goodbye while still honoring their spirit—the spirit that made you you? They raised you, provided for you, and supported every wish, whim, hope, and dream.

Many who plan a parent’s funeral face these same challenges amidst your own mourning. Not to mention caring for the needs of a surviving parent. Alone, any of these pieces could be overwhelming. Together, they can feel like a perfect storm.

When my father passed away, I saw it all firsthand. In a lot of ways, the experience of planning his funeral was a mixed bag. While the planning helped me move forward and process some powerful emotions, I also had periods of tremendous self-doubt and second-guessing.

Was I doing the right thing?

Was there a “right” thing?

Is this what my father would have wanted?

What can I do to honor my father’s 72 years?

First Steps After a Parent Dies

The AARP’s guide on what to do when a loved one dies notes that handling personal and legal details can take a year or more—all while you’re grieving. Having a clear list of immediate priorities helped me stay grounded.

Here are the five steps that took me from my father’s death to the funeral itself:

1. Contact the Funeral Home: Call the funeral director to make arrangements, confirm dates, and finalize details. Your funeral director will help coordinate all plans, handle securing the death certificate, and assist with obituaries and other concerns.

2. Notify Family and Friends: Call relatives, friends, and loved ones—or enlist others to help you share the news. While this was incredibly difficult, I knew it was the most critical task, especially in the first few hours and days.

3. Share Your Parent’s Wishes: Share any instructions left by your parent with the funeral director. Think burial versus cremation, wishes for their final resting place, and headstone inscriptions. If your parent didn’t leave specific instructions, you’ll need to make these decisions—and that’s okay.

4. Finalize Arrangements: Confirm post-funeral details: meeting place, reception, or shiva calls. Don’t try to do this alone. Grief experts note that delegating tasks to family members can reduce conflict and give everyone a meaningful role.

5. Write and Submit the Obituary: Prepare the obituary for publication and general use. Your funeral director can help with placement in local papers and online.

Fortunately for me, my father and I had had an open dialogue about his death, and he’d clearly outlined some of his final wishes—a casual service, a local burial, and, above all, a post-funeral get-together at his favorite local pub.

It was very “Dad.” He’d even specified he didn’t want my mother to wear black, and despite some initial protests, she obliged, showing up in a pale purple dress he loved.

Understanding Costs and Your Rights

Planning a funeral often comes with financial stress on top of emotional strain. According to NFDA statistics, the national median cost of a funeral with viewing and burial is $8,300, while a funeral with cremation averages $6,280.

The FTC’s Funeral Rule protects consumers during this vulnerable time. You have the right to:

• Get an itemized price list from any funeral provider when you inquire about arrangements
• Choose only the goods and services you want—you’re not required to purchase package deal
• Receive a cost breakdown before committing to any services
  
  

Don’t hesitate to compare prices from multiple providers. This isn’t disrespectful to your parent—it’s practical, and it’s your right.

When Siblings Disagree

If you have brothers or sisters, funeral planning can surface old tensions. Research on family conflict during funerals shows that disagreements commonly arise over:

• Burial versus cremation
• Religious or secular services
• Who pays for what
• Who speaks at the service
• What to include in the obituary

Each sibling likely has their own idea of “what Mom or Dad would want.” The key is to make decisions together as a family rather than turning it into a power struggle.

One approach that can help: focusing on celebrating your parent rather than being “right.” When disagreements arise, ask yourself, “What would Mom or Dad want us to do right now?” The answer would probably be “don’t fight.”

Stay Focused, and Take a Breath

While working through these steps can be difficult, I found it incredibly helpful to focus on the overarching goal: celebrating and honoring Dad. With that vision in mind, the pieces began to fall into place. When my emotions overwhelmed me, reminding myself to “celebrate Dad” kept me grounded, on track, and moving ahead.

When it’s too much, when the sadness sinks in, or when you feel you’re off track, take a breath and remind yourself that you’re doing exactly that—celebrating your mother or father. You aren’t being judged for your floral choices or questions about the content of the eulogy.

You are simply celebrating your parent in a way you know would make them happy—and you, above anyone else, know what that entails.

There Is No Right Way

If there were a “right” way to plan a funeral, every single funeral would be the same.

Your parent’s funeral is meant to honor their life and legacy, and whatever you choose to do is the right thing. That could mean a formal church service with ornate florals, powerful hymns, and moving eulogies—or a simple memorial and celebration at home. It could be big or small, private or public, casual or over the top.

If it speaks to you, it would no doubt resonate with your parent. And that’s always right.

Planning a funeral is not only an emotional journey but also a time-consuming one. Chances are relatives, friends, and other loved ones will offer to help. Now is the time to take them up on it.

Take Time at the Funeral

When the day arrives, be sure to reflect on everything happening around you. This is an opportunity to celebrate your parent’s life, and you should take the time to do just that—taking in the sights, sounds, words, and reflections while saying goodbye.

At my father’s funeral, I reminded myself over and over to take a moment. 

As soon as I could take a step back, I saw what mattered most—the people, memories, anecdotes, and countless other signs of a well-lived life. It was my dad’s 72 years, all right before my eyes. It was bittersweet, but I’m forever grateful I could take it all in, even just for a minute.

The Value of Planning Ahead

Any pre-planning you and your parent can do will ultimately be very helpful. While not everyone is as forthcoming as my dad, focusing on a few essential details months or even years ahead will make planning the funeral more seamless and less emotionally charged.

Some questions to discuss:

• What type of service would they want? A formal church service? A casual or non-traditional ceremony? Something else?

• Burial or cremation? And where do they want to be laid to rest?

• Who should be notified? Are there long-lost friends or relatives who should be present or at least informed?

• Any special touches? Specific music, readings, flowers, or food that should be represented?

Having these conversations while your parent is still healthy isn’t morbid—it’s a gift. It removes the guesswork during an already impossible time.

Moving Forward

Planning a parent’s funeral is one of the most challenging things you will ever do. Keep a clear-cut focus on the goal—celebrating your parent’s life—and an understanding that there’s no “right” way.

You’ll be able to work through your emotions and the logistics tied to the service and, ultimately, gain some critical closure that will help your mourning process.

It’s a powerful journey filled with countless emotions—but at the end of the road is an opportunity to memorialize the person who meant so much to you, your siblings, your children, and everyone in between.

And if you’re also supporting a surviving parent through their grief, know that you’re carrying a double weight. Be gentle with yourself. You’re doing more than you realize.

Jaime Hollander/Carrie Phelps-Campbell
Indiana Memorial Group Blog