The smell of sharpened pencils and the paper from fresh notebooks fills the air. School supplies line the store aisles in colorful displays, and social media buzzes with photos of students on their first day. For many families, back-to-school season brings excitement and new beginnings. But when you’re a grieving parent, this time of year can feel like walking through a minefield of emotions when others are focused on fresh starts and new adventures.

The Weight of “Normal” Expectations

The anticipated rhythm of back-to-school excitement—new teachers, fresh supplies, children’s growth—creates a sharp disconnect from what you’re actually feeling when grief weighs heavy on your heart. When you’re mourning the loss of a partner, parent, child, friend, or navigating any significant loss, summoning enthusiasm for school forms and lunch preparations feels not just tricky, but almost impossible.

The pressure to appear “normal” for your children’s sake makes everything harder. You want to shield them from your pain, but you also know they need to see that it’s okay to feel sad sometimes. Trying to be both strong and honest, protective yet authentic—it’s exhausting. Other parents might seem to juggle it all effortlessly, but you’re running on empty. Simple tasks feel monumental. Remembering picture day or signing permission slips can become another source of stress rather than a routine part of parenting.

Parents often try to “be fine,” but they need to grieve, says Dr. Calvina Ellerbe. She describes this impossible balance where “parenting is a sacrificial task while grieving requires being cared for.” Many grieving parents end up feeling like they’re failing at both roles. And here’s the thing—your children probably already know you’re struggling. Children will “always worry about a grieving parent,” says  Stephanie Handel, a child and family therapist at the Wendt Center for Loss & Healing. Which means trying to hide your grief completely isn’t really protecting them anyway.

When Milestones Hurt

Back-to-school season is filled with milestones that can trigger waves of grief. Your child’s first day of kindergarten might have been something you were planning to share with someone who’s no longer here. The empty chair at the school orientation meeting becomes a glaring reminder of absence. Even the simple act of buying school clothes can become overwhelming when it reminds you of shared traditions that no longer exist.

Grief experts at the National Center for School Crisis and Bereavement remind us that “grief does not end at a fixed point. As children grow and develop, normal transitions and changes in their lives will remind them of their loss.” The start of a new school year is exactly this kind of transition—one that can unexpectedly reopen wounds you thought were healing.

As grief counselor Cortez Ranieri observes, “Life doesn’t stop for anyone,” and this reality can feel particularly harsh during back-to-school season. How do you celebrate your child’s excitement about their new teacher when your world has fundamentally shifted? How do you muster enthusiasm for school shopping when everyone else seems to be moving forward while you’re still learning how to get through each day?

Parents Who Have Lost a Child

For parents who have lost a child, back-to-school season can be especially devastating. As one bereaved mother shared, difficult periods include “graduations, birthdays, anniversaries, and the start of the new school year”—all reminders of milestones that will never be celebrated with the child who died.

Parents may feel anger toward “friends who have children and the good fortune to be able to watch them grow older and reach particular milestones such as graduation,” notes The Compassionate Friends, a leading organization supporting bereaved parents. When you’re buying school supplies for your surviving children, you may be acutely aware that you’ll never do this again for the child you lost.

Parents’ management of their own grief has an enormous impact on surviving children, according to the NIH. Grieving the loss of one child while still emphasizing the milestones in your surviving children so they don’t become what experts call “forgotten mourners,” whose grief gets overshadowed.

Your Children Are Watching and Learning

One of the most challenging aspects of grieving during this time is knowing that your children are observing how you handle loss. They’re learning about resilience, emotion, and healing from your example. This responsibility can feel overwhelming when you’re barely keeping your head above water.

However, experts emphasize that authenticity in grief can actually be beneficial for children. Dr. Mekel S. Harris, a licensed psychologist in Memphis, Tennessee, advises parents to “not shield children from the effects of grief. They need to see the full arc of your emotions.” Handel agrees:  “Parents should communicate openly with their children, saying things like ‘I may look sad, but I can still get you dinner and get you to school on time and make sure our family does things together, ‘ while ensuring children don’t feel responsible for taking care of the grieving parent.”

The truth is, showing your children that grief is part of life—and that it’s okay to struggle—may be one of the most valuable lessons you can offer. Your authenticity in navigating this difficult time teaches them that emotions are normal and that healing doesn’t follow a timeline.

Finding Gentle Ways Forward

• Accept “Good Enough”: Your child’s lunch might be simpler this year. Their backpack might not be perfectly organized. Their school photos might not happen with a coordinated family outfit. This is okay. Good enough is enough.
• Communicate with the School: Consider letting your child’s teacher or school counselor know about your family’s situation. The National Association of School Psychologists emphasizes that school-based support is essential when a student experiences loss, and educators can offer additional understanding and flexibility when they’re aware of the student’s circumstances.
• Create New Traditions: If old back-to-school traditions feel too painful, it’s okay to start new ones. Maybe this year involves a quiet dinner instead of a big celebration, or a special one-on-one moment instead of a group activity.
• Ask for Help: Whether it’s carpooling, school shopping, or just someone to listen, accepting help isn’t a weakness—it’s wisdom. Your support network wants to help; let them. As grief counselor Stutler recommends, “make sure you reach out to people around you who are willing to help.”
• Honor Both Joy and Sadness: Your child can be excited about school while you’re grieving. These emotions can coexist. You can feel proud of their growth while simultaneously mourning what’s been losts
• Externalize Your Grief: Research shows that “for grief to be healed, it has to be externalized. You cannot just hold it in and let time pass,”  says Stutler. This may involve journaling, speaking with trusted friends, or seeking professional support.

The Long View

Grief doesn’t follow the school calendar. It doesn’t resolve neatly by October or disappear during winter break. This back-to-school season might be challenging, but it won’t always feel this heavy. Next year will likely bring its own challenges and its own growth.

Your children will remember that during one of life’s most challenging seasons, you were there. You showed up. You may not have been perfect, but you were present. You may not have felt strong, but you demonstrated what it means to keep going when everything feels impossible.

Back-to-school season may always carry a different weight for your family.  “We do not get over a death. We learn to carry the grief and integrate the loss in our lives,”  shared one bereaved parent. Some years will be harder than others. Some first days of school will feel heavier. But you’ll also discover new rhythms, find unexpected moments of peace, and witness your children’s resilience in ways that surprise you.

You’re learning to parent through one of life’s most difficult experiences, and you’re doing it with more courage than you realize. Take it one day—one moment—at a time.

Carrie Campbell, Blog Contributor
Indiana Memorial Group