Here’s something many grieving families need to hear:

You don’t have to do the holidays the way you’ve always done them.

Not this year. Maybe not ever again. And that’s not a failure—it’s a way of taking care of yourself.

If you’ve lost someone you love, the holidays can feel overwhelming. The songs, the decorations, the family recipes—everything that once brought joy now carries the weight of who’s missing. And somewhere in the back of your mind, a voice whispers: But we’ve always done it this way.

Why the Holidays Feel So Hard

“It’s the first time you’ve been doing Thanksgiving and your December holiday without your loved one in your life, and that’s just huge,” says Dr. Sherry Cormier, psychologist and author of Sweet Sorrow: Finding Enduring Wholeness After Loss and Grief.

Grief specialists call this “secondary loss.” According to What’s Your Grief: “Death does not just create a single hole in one’s life. Instead, the loss can impact many areas of one’s life, creating multiple losses from that primary loss.”

The holidays are one of those losses. The way Mom made the stuffing. Dad’s terrible Christmas sweater. Grandma’s insistence on real candles. These weren’t just traditions—they were them. And now they’re gone, even if the sweater’s still in the closet and the recipe card’s still in the drawer.

Mental Health America validates this experience: “It’s okay to be sad when traditions change.”

So if you’ve been wondering why December feels so heavy—this is why. You’re not just missing a person. You’re missing a whole way of being.

What the Experts Say About Permission

The advice from grief professionals is consistent: You get to choose.

“Be very compassionate with yourself and really intentionally be open to whatever happens,” says Dr. Kim Penberthy, a professor of psychiatric medicine at the University of Virginia and Virginia’s 2023 Psychologist of the Year. She encourages families to be “really honest with yourself… and asking people what they are comfortable with.”

Hospice of Central PA echoes this: bereavement counselors “emphasize the importance of making decisions that feel right to the grieving person and giving oneself permission to make new or different choices during the holidays.”

Permission looks different for everyone:

• Permission to skip. Maybe you can’t handle the office holiday party this year. That’s okay.
• Permission to keep. Maybe cooking Mom’s recipe is exactly what you need. That’s okay too.
• Permission to modify. Maybe you do a smaller version, a different location, a quieter celebration. All valid.
• Permission to cry. At the dinner table, during the carol service, while wrapping gifts. Tears are allowed.
• Permission to feel joy. Yes, even joy. Laughing doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten them.

When You’re Ready: Four Types of New Traditions

There’s no rush. But if you’re looking for ways to reshape the holidays, these four categories can help you think through options:

Memory Traditions

Keep your loved one’s presence visible.

• Light a candle before the holiday meal
• Display their photo in a place of honor
• Hang a memorial ornament
• Share stories about them during dinner

Legacy Traditions

• Continue what they valued.
• Make their famous dish (or attempt it together)
• Give to a cause they cared about
• Play their favorite music
• Do something kind in their name

Fresh Start Traditions

• Create something entirely new.
• Travel somewhere you’ve never been
• Volunteer together as a family
• Start a gratitude practice
• Make a memory book or video tribute

Simple Gestures

• Small acts with deep meaning
• Say their name in a toast
• Visit their resting place
• Take a quiet walk to remember
• Watch their favorite holiday movie

Psychology Today contributor Sophia Dembling shares her own gradual process: “I am not willing to abandon the holidays altogether, but I am reinventing them for myself.” For her, that started with a tiny pre-decorated tree because she couldn’t face the ornament box. Small steps count.

What About Family Disagreements?

Here’s where it gets complicated: everyone grieves differently.

Your sister might want to do everything exactly the same. Your brother might not want to mention your father’s name. Your mother might need to talk about him constantly. And you? You’re just trying to get through dinner.

Kim Ruocco, who lost her husband and now works with grieving families through TAPS, suggests: “Respect each other’s grief journey… Joining together in acceptance and understanding that each of us is on our own path helps decrease bad feelings and increase bonds.”

Before the holidays, consider a family conversation. What does each person need? What feels impossible? What compromises might work? The goal isn’t consensus—it’s compassion.

Lower the Bar

Finally, let go of the pressure to make the holidays “meaningful” or “special” or “healing.”

Sometimes getting through them is enough.

Ruocco learned this firsthand: “I stopped trying to wrap all the presents, and I just put a tag on them. I bought pies instead of making them from scratch. I decided not to send Christmas cards, and I spent that extra time watching ‘Elf’ with my children—over and over again.”

The result? “The laughter we shared while watching that movie in our pajamas, my long list thrown aside, gave me hope that we will be OK.” Not a Pinterest-worthy holiday. Not the tradition they’d always had. Just pajamas, laughter, and hope. And that’s enough.

Grief doesn’t take a holiday. You have permission to grieve. You have permission to change. And you have permission to find your way through—at your own pace, in your own way.

Carrie Campbell, Blog Contributor
Indiana Memorial Group